“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
This kid is going places
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.