Imagine having a party on purpose.
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
WWE is French for “yes”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.