son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.