So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Its true…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm