I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!