Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Petote's best tweets

@Petote : My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@Petote: *hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

@Petote: *looks at you in batman voice*

@Petote: Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@Petote: A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

@Petote: Just because I am an Italian American doesn't mean my family is in the mob....

It means we used to be.

@Petote: Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We're calling the police they said

@Petote: BF went to text me "almost there"
It came out "almost dead"
So hungover, I wrote back "thank god"
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@Petote: Is that all?
"I wanna stab you."
Huh?
"Cut your throat."
What?
"Drink your blood."
Um.
"Have your baby."
Uh.
"Kidding! I'll have a coke."

@Petote: *gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming "WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!" *