Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PetrickSara's best tweets

@PetrickSara : [Married Pillow Talk] Husband: Tell me what you want.. Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@PetrickSara: Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don't already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@PetrickSara: My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

@PetrickSara: I bought jalapeƱo chips so I wouldn't have to share with my kids.
It's not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She's mine

@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing."

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@PetrickSara: "It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself."

-my family

@PetrickSara: Husband:What do you want for Mother's Day?
Me:I don't want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

@PetrickSara: The most horrifying thing I've ever heard:
"MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"

@PetrickSara: Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you're saying Hell is child free?

@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.