Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PetrickSara's best tweets

@PetrickSara : *stirs coffee with knife* *licks knife* "Let's do this" *wakes kids for school*

@PetrickSara: My spirit animal is this kid at my son's football practice that just stands and cries every time he's told he has to run

@PetrickSara: Brushing my daughter's hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don't know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@PetrickSara: I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@PetrickSara: [Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@PetrickSara: Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don't already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@PetrickSara: My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

@PetrickSara: I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn't have to share with my kids.
It's not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She's mine

@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing."

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@PetrickSara: "It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself."

-my family