A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?