Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.