What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.