Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
All generalizations are stupid.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?