MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
We cut our bangs at dawn.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???