Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhoenixRises69's best tweets

@PhoenixRises69 : It makes me sad that the closest I'll ever get to 'hulking out' is splitting my trousers when I bend over.

@PhoenixRises69: Asked my 65yo mom what she'd like for Christmas and she said "Surprise me".

Hope she likes her new pet python.

@PhoenixRises69: Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't 'funny' and is technically 'wasting' police time :(

@PhoenixRises69: iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.

I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.

@PhoenixRises69: I've removed swim with dolphins from my bucket list. Mainly cos I can't swim and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal.

@PhoenixRises69: Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people.

I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell.