Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
This is so me 😂😂
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.