Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Phook75's best tweets

@Phook75 : No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@Phook75: It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me

@Phook75: Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at

@Phook75: I don't ever worry about the kinda world I'm leaving my kids. They'll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

@Phook75: The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement

@Phook75: If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@Phook75: FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying "fortnight" they have to become your butler.

@Phook75: My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@Phook75: The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"