Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Phook75's best tweets

@Phook75 : People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@Phook75: My wife asked me to order a new chefs knife today and now I’m thinking she’s tricked me into purchasing her murder weapon

@Phook75: "I'm going to live with you guys forever"

My five year old threatened

@Phook75: My wife just yelled “Let’s do this!” from upstairs. I’m not even sure what she’s talking about but either way I’m taking my pants off

@Phook75: If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I'd be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door

@Phook75: My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever

@Phook75: My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

@Phook75: No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@Phook75: It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me