13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
my name if I was in the mob
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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