Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhuckinCody's best tweets

@PhuckinCody : [watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

@PhuckinCody: me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

@PhuckinCody: [starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we'll call this "the most important order of the day"

@PhuckinCody: [first date]
me: what's ur favorite word?

her: probably "ethereal," it means-

me: mine is "shuttlecock."

@PhuckinCody: ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should've made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@PhuckinCody: ME: Let's go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn't what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

@PhuckinCody: "so i had the dream again last night,"

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

@PhuckinCody: wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should've called the fire department

@PhuckinCody: "Goodbye, cruel world." I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@PhuckinCody: [i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] "can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he's here again."