Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PhuckinCody's best tweets

@PhuckinCody : [first date] HER: i'm really into astronomy ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don't say

@PhuckinCody: [i walk into the Popes room as he's napping] hey can i - stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

@PhuckinCody: BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

@PhuckinCody: Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

@PhuckinCody: WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn't put him back

@PhuckinCody: [walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn't know corporate was coming

@PhuckinCody: *watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn't affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?