Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I was bored.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.