Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]