Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results