@PinkCamoTO: I'm so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
@PinkCamoTO: Autocorrect just changed "I'm wise" to "I'm wide" so I should probably put down this donut.
@PinkCamoTO: Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
@PinkCamoTO: Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I'm positive I hate people.
@PinkCamoTO: I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don't watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
@PinkCamoTO: Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
@PinkCamoTO: Me: What are you doing?
H: Fantasy football.
M: Which football players are you fantasizing about?
M: Is that not how it works?
@PinkCamoTO: Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.