meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
You Might Also Like
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Many hands make light work