Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
thank god the sign was there
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ugh not again
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.