One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.