There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
incredible
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.