People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits