do u think theres a butter planet?
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
We have a winner.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
how was your vacation
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.