Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary