@Playing_Dad: [Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you're divorcing is "he's annoying?"
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike"
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don't think so
@Playing_Dad: [Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I'm hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
@Playing_Dad: I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
@Playing_Dad: Me: But I'm sweaty, I'm anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I've had to tell you I can't treat being offended online
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.
@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You're fired.
@Playing_Dad: I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
@Playing_Dad: Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?