Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Playing_Dad's best tweets

@Playing_Dad : Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking "do you want a shake with that?" at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

@Playing_Dad: Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don't do it
Me: he's all right

@Playing_Dad: Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

@Playing_Dad: 6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

"DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@Playing_Dad: [Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@Playing_Dad: Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it's cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you're worried it's cancer let's go get it checked out.
Me: No, I'm good.

@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You're fired.

@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

@Playing_Dad: Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn't know there was going to be a test at the end.

@Playing_Dad: The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles