Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Playing_Dad's best tweets

@Playing_Dad : Body: *sharp abdominal pain* Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it's cancer. Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you're worried it's cancer let's go get it checked out. Me: No, I'm good.

@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You're fired.

@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

@Playing_Dad: Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn't know there was going to be a test at the end.

@Playing_Dad: The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

@Playing_Dad: Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.

@Playing_Dad: Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men's Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don't go outside tho

@Playing_Dad: No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing

@Playing_Dad: [First date]
Date: I'm looking for a guy who's above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I've eaten 17 spiders this year

@Playing_Dad: Boss: We're having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don't want to be a manager that bad