Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Playing_Dad's best tweets

@Playing_Dad : [First date] Date: I'm looking for a guy who's above average. Me: [Trying to be above average] I've eaten 17 spiders this year

@Playing_Dad: Boss: We're having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don't want to be a manager that bad

@Playing_Dad: [Alien abduction]
Me: What's it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let's go

@Playing_Dad: [Heaven]
Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really

@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

@Playing_Dad: Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

@Playing_Dad: Wife: My friend's turkey died. She's really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?

Me: How about some gravy?

@Playing_Dad: [Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
"The Riddler?"
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

@Playing_Dad: [Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you're divorcing is "he's annoying?"
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike"
J: Baliff, throw him in jail