Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PleaseBeGneiss's best tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss : Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt Me: safety first :) Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

@PleaseBeGneiss: [after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

@PleaseBeGneiss: God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers :D

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: ...fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool :(

God: oh he’s super duper cool

@PleaseBeGneiss: 911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

@PleaseBeGneiss: ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

@PleaseBeGneiss: [restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@PleaseBeGneiss: Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

@PleaseBeGneiss: Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

@PleaseBeGneiss: [hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

@PleaseBeGneiss: 5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*