Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PleaseBeGneiss's best tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss : First person to eat a banana: this is not good First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@PleaseBeGneiss: Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

@PleaseBeGneiss: I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@PleaseBeGneiss: Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: ...where’s Adam?

@PleaseBeGneiss: Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@PleaseBeGneiss: [in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@PleaseBeGneiss: [getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

@PleaseBeGneiss: [stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@PleaseBeGneiss: [seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

@PleaseBeGneiss: [daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9