@PleaseBeGneiss: [after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
@PleaseBeGneiss: God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers :D
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool :(
God: oh he’s super duper cool
@PleaseBeGneiss: 911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
@PleaseBeGneiss: Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
@PleaseBeGneiss: Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
@PleaseBeGneiss: 5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*