Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PleaseBeGneiss's best tweets

@PleaseBeGneiss : [on a plane] ME: how much for wine? ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot ME: oh right it’s free

@PleaseBeGneiss: TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@PleaseBeGneiss: [first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@PleaseBeGneiss: WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: :(

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: :)

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite :|

@PleaseBeGneiss: SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your... prime?

@PleaseBeGneiss: HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

@PleaseBeGneiss: COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

@PleaseBeGneiss: ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try