me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.