people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other