*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind