Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!