If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
From Facebook just now…
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”