CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.