No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Cha-ching is my safe word
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I was just discussing this with my cat