Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
You Might Also Like
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that