Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
5 ways to appear taller
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*