if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
🐕🍷
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan