I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Free him
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Oceanography is all about current events
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them