Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt