Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”