you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Waiting for the Charmin
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My background check bounced.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.