A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…