Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
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Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
all bases covered
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10