Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’ve been learning to cook.
concern
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.