Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Woke up against my better judgment again
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.