Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Pro_Jones_'s best tweets

@Pro_Jones_ : I've been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote "never change" in my middle school year book.

@Pro_Jones_: (Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I'm unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@Pro_Jones_: Oh you love your mom's cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

@Pro_Jones_: Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What's wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

@Pro_Jones_: Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy".

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

@Pro_Jones_: Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I'm woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@Pro_Jones_: (Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

@Pro_Jones_: *Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@Pro_Jones_: (Court)
Judge: You're on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

@Pro_Jones_: Jehovah's Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He's lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal