When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You Might Also Like
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I put the p in pants.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My apartment is a mess, I should move
screw you
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.