When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.