Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Just got to our Airbnb!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Support your local cemetery
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.