[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You Might Also Like
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
the three genders
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel