i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast